Posts Tagged ‘Binge’

It should be Fun Friday today but this morning I found Inside the Body Beautiful: How Fat Works on youtube! Good old youtube.

So if you want to watch it all then here it is, if not my part is from about 18 minutes in. Let me know what you guys think!

Hayley Emma


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I haven’t stuck to my word. I haven’t written more on this blog. I thought it was out of disinterest if I’m honest. I read other blogs and find them so brilliant and eye-opening, or I’m glad someone spoke out about an aspect of Eating Disorders or weight loss/gain or being overweight. But I haven’t felt inspired to write anything myself.

The truth is, I’ve just been plodding along. Plodding along so much so that I got myself into a bit of … how shall I put it, a pit of distress?

I feel like I was a warrior, fighting in an epic battle, wearing this silver plated armour that’s covered in scratches and scars, but I still keep fighting my way through to get to the other side. But instead, I’ve fought so hard that I never took my eyes off of the fight and I didn’t realise there was a cliff edge up ahead. So I kind of stumbled into it. For the last fortnight I’ve been scratching my head, wondering when it was that I was so blinded by the fight that I didn’t see the cliff edge.

How that’s going to protect her in battle… I really don’t know. Her Vajayjay is showing.


Since 2013 started, I’ve been feeling the exhaustion of Depression, not wanting to do the simple things like brushing my teeth but forcing myself anyway. It’s my job that’s stressed me out the most, not the actual work but travelling, waiting around for buses and it taking literally hours to get to work and back. I kept thinking just get to Christmas, just wait until Christmas and then you can review the situation. But Christmas came and went so fast (as it always does) and I just kept going.

Until last week, when I felt so dizzy and nauseas that I just stopped. Even when I stopped, I kept going (Which doesn’t make any sense but stay with me for a moment). Even when I knew I had nothing left to give and I’d reached my limit, travelling so far to work and counselling, and having no time for being sociable, I still made it to work feeling like something was wrong. My mind was scattered, I felt like I was about to collapse and any movement made me feel dizzy.

And the moment I got home I felt better, and that’s when I knew it was stress. (I was thinking brain problems, like a tumour, because that’s what my mind likes to do to me: terrify me)

I’m so frightened of going back to how I was before employment and during the earlier stages of therapy, that I’m almost depressing myself thinking about it. I’m dreading being unemployed, I’m trying to find a job but because of counselling it means I can’t apply for what I’d normally apply for (cryptic I know) I want to maintain and progress with battling my Eating Disorder, but what if I put on the weight I’ve lost? And last but definitely not least, my grandparents have Alzheimer’s, and it’s … it’s bad.

Having said that, something changed a while ago, I’m … better. Not recovered, but on the way.

Have any of you guys unexpectedly hit a wall with weight struggles or Eating Disorders?

Hayley Emma

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So, Operation Well-I’m-Beautiful-So-Why-do-I-Give-A-Fuck has kind of fallen to the wayside on this blog. But not in real life.

The other day, someone said something intending to intimidate me. And it worked. I left the room feeling very small and especially stupid. I didn’t have a comeback even though on way home I knew exactly what I wanted to say (isn’t that always the way), but the chance to hit back was over.

On my way home, as well as thinking what I should have said, I also started focusing on chocolate. My go-to food when I’m feeling happy, sad, stressed… anything. So I started scheming, what to buy, how many shops to go in without raising suspicion, and how to hide the food from my family when I got home. I fixated on the ‘food is the answer’ myth and before I wouldn’t have let it go. I would have obsessed about it, so even if I resisted and went home without binge food, I would have been craving it for  hours, if not until I indulged.

However, somethings changed. Well, I’ve changed. I am taking responsibility for my actions and how I feel. As Eleanor Roosevelt said ‘no one can make you feel inferior without your consent’. I really understand that now.



Instead of pure negativity, the rant, instead of following the predictable line of:

My God I am stupid, it’s not that I’ve suddenly realised it, it’s just they’ve sussed me out. So I’m stupid and fat. Great, I’ve got some much going for me…

There was a small voice that piped up with: You have a degree.

Instead of my self-esteem spiralling downwards and the negative thoughts rising up until they’re at the brim, so close to spilling over and having a good cry or scream, emotions that I’d normally stuff back down with food… this tiny voice offered a ray of hope.

Yeah, actually, I do have a degree. A degree doesn’t necessarily mean you’re intellectual, nor do you have to have a degree to be an intellectual, but it’s one thing that shows I’m not stupid. And I know how hard I had to work to get in to University, as well as actually complete the course.

And then, when I’d acknowledged that thought rather than slam it down as a pointless argument, convincing myself that I only just managed to get into Uni and struggled through so they really only had to give me a degree and besides, don’t most people have a degree these days? I clung to that thought, the little ray of hope.

And then I went with it. After a while of resisting the idea that maybe everything in the world isn’t shit, I hasten to add. I’m not going to make this sound easy, talking myself out of a binge is fucking hard.

I decided that yes, I went to Uni, I am not stupid. And yeah, I’m overweight, but I’m taking steps to not binge and improve my eating. If I was doing amazingly well and losing weight really quickly, that would probably result in rapid weight gain after I’d finished restricting.

And I have friends. Very lovely friends, a friend came filming with me the other day, and a friend had me over to watch a scary movie last week. So I’m liked.

I’ve got a job now, which I’m doing ok with. I’ve improved on stuff and I think I’ve made some friends.

Yeah, so… I can’t be that bad. And maybe this person has some issues of their own. Maybe they were just having a bad day. It doesn’t matter, because it’s them who has the problem, putting that on me isn’t going to make anyone feel better, and food isn’t going to make all my problems go away. Otherwise I’d be problem-free by now.

So I went home, and I didn’t stress about food.

And It felt refreshing.

Hayley Emma

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It’s Friday, and we’re making it especially fun today. And by ‘we’re’ I mean … I’m. I don’t want to patronise you, but I’m afraid I’ve already done that…

As I didn’t upload a Fun Friday last week, I thought I’d do 2 Fun posts today.  The crazy is just off the scale right now.

So I’m a huge fan of make-up. Especially within the last year I’d say. I watch a fair few make-up tutorial videos on YouTube and I love getting new products, trying out new things, and on a side note which I’ll talk about another day, I find putting on make-up distracting when I want to binge.

I’ve followed Tanya Burr since I fell in love with her Audrey Hepburn tutorial. Since it was posted in April that hasn’t been so long, but I went back and watched a lot of her videos: she is one fantastic make-up artist.

But this is Fun Friday, and the video that had me laughing a lot was this. Enjoy!

My favourite line: “There are apples all over our faces.”

You’re welcome.


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Fantastic post about combating ‘All or Nothing’ thinking by exercising and limiting binges for 3 days. Such a brilliant idea, baby steps to success guys, baby steps to success!


Ponderings & Affinities

I’m always up for a challenge, but not a routine.

After a week of binging, I once again attempted to get my act together. I am really inspired by those who complete those month-long fitness challenges, but I know that I am not healthy enough to go through with one myself. Of course, one must always be aware of the binge cycle, which readily accepts a health or fitness challenge on the condition that it be followed with more binging.  The fire to change keeps me trying.

I figured that a three-day mini challenge would be a nice compromise for me. It’s short enough as to not overwhelm a person and just long enough to chip away at old habits. If  I did well, I thought, than I will continue with another challenge and then another longer challenge.

This is the first health challenge that I ever completed!

Here is what I…

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A while ago I was watching someone on television explain why leaving an abusive relationship is more complex than we might think.

I think it was an interview with someone on the news, and the interviewee explained that although there are so many concrete reasons to leave an abusive relationship, (mental health, physical health, etc) there is already an emotional attachment formed between the abused and the abuser. Therefore the logical reasons for leaving an abusive relationship like those above aren’t persuasive enough to leave, because the emotional reasons for staying outweigh the logical reasons.

As someone who’s shied away from relationships because of my issues, I’ve been able to watch other people’s behaviour in relationships. Often I’ve thought she treats him like shit, why doesn’t he just dump her and move on? And if she treats him so badly, why is she staying with him when he obviously pisses her off?!

It’s easy to say that as soon as a relationship becomes abusive, either physically or emotionally, we would leave. But if your reasoning is shrouded in emotion, then it wouldn’t be so straight forward.

After all, logically speaking, I am unhappy with my weight, I should stop bingeing and overeating and increase my activity levels to lose weight, right? I’ve heard the saying if you want something bad enough, you’ll do whatever you need to succeed. I’ve always gotten angry and frustrated with my need to binge and overeat, criticising my mind for not getting with the weight-loss programme. I mean, it’s straightforward. Something is making me unhappy, if I work hard to illuminate the cause of the unhappiness, then I become happy.

I’m so unhappy because of my weight, the logical answer is to lose the weight. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure that out. And there are so many ways of achieving this: Atkins diet, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, I could go for round 3 with Lighterlife, Rosemary Connelly, the GI diet, the Paleo diet, the caveman diet, the cabbage soup diet, the Cambridge diet. I could go vegetarian, vegan, I could substitute meals with soups, shakes. There’s slimfast, calorie counting, I could have an apple before every meal, go on the grapefruit diet, I could go on a juice fast. The list goes on and on… and on.

My reasons for bingeing and overeating aren’t so straightforward, though. It would be great if they were, but to most people who become obese, poor food choices aren’t the sole reason for such a substantial weight gain, and therefore when these poor food choices are irradiated, the emotional issues with food are still prevalent.

I have an emotional attachment with food. Eating a chocolate bar does not just mean eating a chocolate bar to me. Before eating the chocolate bar there are the inevitable cravings. I crave the chocolate bar, and then I try to hush up my cravings. I have a cup of tea, a glass of juice. I check to see if I’m physically hungry. I wait. I obsess about the chocolate bar. The chocolate bar then becomes a chocolate bar and a bag of M&Ms. I obsess some more.

I want that. I need it.

But if you have it you’re giving in to everything you hate about yourself.

But you have a disorder.

But you’re fighting it. Food does not rule your life.

Food does rule your life. Accept it.

Look at your bum, how big is your bum?! You want it to shrink, not grow it!

You do have a big bum, so what’s the point in trying to avoid bingeing? All you want is a chocolate bar, a bag of M&Ms and some popcorn. What’s the harm in that?

Umm, what’s the harm in a binge? Really, you want a list?! Ok, there’s weight gain-

Honey, you’ve gained all the weight back, plus some. You might as well give yourself the binge. It’s all you’re good at.


I then eat the chocolate bar, plus the M&Ms, popcorn, more chocolate, cereals, etc. And then the guilt sets in.

What THE FUCK did you just do?

Why THE FUCK did you do that?

What THE FUCK is wrong with you?

You want to lose weight, right?! You’re not working hard enough, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re a failure. You should starve yourself. Or continue to eat. Either one, it doesn’t matter. You’ve failed already.

The emotional reasons are stronger than logical reasons. That’s why I’m in therapy, so I can find out what was making me so unhappy to make me binge and overeat in the first place, so I can take steps to work on my unhappiness, to change my behaviours and lead a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight on a crash diet would work, but I know myself, and I know I’d be back to square one by Christmas. The way I’m working, taking baby steps to success, is my way of ensuring that by Christmas I feel different and I’m not going to lie, I am desperate to look different as well.

And it is not easy, trying to shut the voice out that screams at me to binge and overeat, but I’m becoming more aware as the days go by, and I’m working towards a healthy life. Because of this voice, because I’m trying, it doesn’t mean anything when people attempt to apply logical to an Eating Disorder.

I’ve said many times that Eating Disorders aren’t logical. Saying things like just lose weight or just eat a sandwich or don’t throw up after you eat don’t mean anything to us, because we’re not basing our reasons for destructive behaviours on common sense. It’s emotional, and often we’re trying not to feel emotional so we eat or starve or binge/purge to hide it all.

Just like it is so difficult for an abused wife to leave her husband, it’s very difficult for the disordered to leave their disorders.

Do you think I’m way off on this one? Do you think this can be applied to any addiction?


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This is a re-blog from Dropping the F-Bomb (Fat, That Is) by Jennifer because it’s brilliant.

I can relate to this, especially making up an excuse to the cashier, until I became too paranoid and went to several shops to get all the binge food I needed.

Can you relate, or sympathise?


Coming out of the closet… Part 1.

Hi. My name is Jennifer, and (insert big, deep breath) I am a closet binge eater.

Here are some of the symptoms of closet eaters:
  • Feeling shame and embarrassment about eating in public
  • Binging on comfort foods, junk foods, and sweets when alone
  • Hoarding food and hiding empty food containers
  • Eating a large amount of food in one sitting
  • Feeling powerless to stop eating
  • Binging but not purging
Only recently recognized by health professionals as an actual eating disorder, this has been my primary coping mechanism and comfort for almost 30 years, with my first recollection bringing me back to about 8 years old.
For practically my whole life, when I had no sense of self worth or confidence, and absolutely no regard for my health, I used food to numb myself from the pain of, well……..everything... Exclusions from friends, ridicule from strangers, abuse from my mother, abandonment from my father, drama in social circles, stress at work. Every single rejection from a man.
No matter how big or small the pain of the situation, food was my comfort.
When I didn’t have the vocabulary or the strength to stand up for myself, food was there for me.
When I was swirling in the shitstorm of teenage drama, emotions and hormones, food was there for me.
When I was watching everyone around me attain their dreams, while I sat paralysed by fear, food was there for me.
When life, schedules, and time felt out of control and chaotic, food was there for me.
When I was lonely, angry, sad, feeling unworthy or unimportant, food was there for me.
When I felt misunderstood and ignored, food was there for me.
Food was what I had control over, when everything else felt out of control and out of reach.
It felt like that all. the. time.
I remember being 8, 10, 12… years old and eating the meal my mother prepared, and when my grandmother would ask “Have you eaten yet?” my response was usually “Nope.” so that I could get a second dinner. Or breakfast. Or lunch.
When I was out with friends, I would often be pre-planning my trip to the convenience store on my way home. Not only what I would buy, but how would I sneak it past my mother and into my room when I got home.
When my mother left for work at night, despite having already eaten, I would scrounge together my babysitting money and order take out.
When I was older, I would secretively eat in my car before meeting friends for dinner.
Never wanting any of the store clerks, or food service people to think I was eating all this food alone, I would be sure to make some comment about picking up things for friends as well. Why else would one person buy a 20-pack of chicken nuggets, or 2 big bags of chips and 3 chocolate bars, or a large pizza after all?
It has only been in the last 3 years that I have begun digging deep into why I was using food as a crutch. Why was I caught up in a cycle of self loathing that would find me elbow deep in a bag of potato chips to soothe my soul? And then back into the potato chips, because I had only numbed the feelings around whatever was bothering me, and now I hated myself, too.
And so the cycle went… it sometimes still goes. Old habits die hard, as we all know.
Closet eating, not unlike so many other harmful vices – drugs, smoking, drinking, sex – can often be related back and tied to something bigger, something not yet addressed, some pain or fear we are still holding on to.
I know exactly when I started lying about food and using it as a crutch.
But that is a story for another day.
Have an awesome day!
Know that you are loved.

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