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Archive for August, 2012

Hooray for Fun Friday!

My brother showed me this video of adults acting out a story made up by children. It’s called Salesman and the theme is if movies were written by our children.

What do you think? Blockbuster material?

You’re welcome.

Hayley Emma

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It’s been almost a year now since I read Hungry by Crystal Renn (and wrote a blog post about it here which has my favourite quote from the book) and identified with it despite not being a model, plus size or otherwise, or suffering with Anorexia.

I’ve been keeping an eye on Crystal Renn’s weight loss, more out of a concern than anything. I’m not so focused on plus size women anymore, although they are beautiful, don’t get me wrong – I can now see the beauty in any body size and shape. Plus size, skinny, curvy, muscular, sporty, toned, you name it, whatever your body size or shape, its gorgeous. So I want to celebrate diversity.

As well as loving Crystal Renn’s body, especially in this picture, I love her attitude. Going from Anorexic to a healthy BMI is an incredible achievement, but getting to be a bigger size and loving her body enough to show it to the world is incomprehensible to me. This woman is brave. And so whilst I look at her body and appreciate it and want it for myself, I also look at her struggles and I can relate. To the obsession about food and weight, to being plus sized.

Do you have an opinion about Crystal Renn? How do you think she looks in this picture?

Hayley Emma

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My master plan was to take a break from blogging to write multiple  blog posts in advance and also write some fiction. I haven’t been able to write fiction at all this year, I think because I’ve been so distracted by my Eating Disorder. You know how some ‘artistes’ find they’re inspired by melancholy and heartache? Well, I don’t seem to work the same way.

When I’m depressed, brushing my teeth is a big task that I cannot be bothered with. If I forced myself to write a novel in that time – and I wouldn’t be able to, because chocolate and staying in bed would always win over typing – but if I did, it would be a steaming pile of poop.

And so my blogging break was  filled with anxiety, depression and chocolate coated tears. Yeah I just wrote that. It just came to me. I really must be an artiste.

Unfortunately it took me a while to realise I was more depressed than I’d been in months and  I wasn’t going to snap out of it like I always hope I will. As much as I try to shake it off, it’s impossible.

I tell myself I need to go for a walk, it’ll make me feel better and I’ll get exercise. Exercise usually focuses me. But as Annie said in Bridesmaids “I can’t get off the couch.”

To go for a walk stops being just a walk and becomes a monumental effort. First of all, I’d have to stand up, and my limbs do not want that. They gravitate towards the sofa, the bed, I’ve even had a pit stop sat on the stairs because doing nothing is so much easier than doing something.

That pit stop becomes a 10 minute stare at the wall, thinking of nothing. I’m not particularly sad, I’m not crying of even looking at my thighs and silently wishing I could stick a needle in there and just suck all the fat out. When I snap out of this trance-like state, and realise 10 minutes has passed…

10 minutes?! Wow, you only sat here to … why did you sit here again? Oh yeah, you were on your way upstairs to get ready for a walk. Go on.

…you gasp and look at the time and wonder what you were doing, and you know you should be moving, but for some reason – that you don’t understand – you sit there for another 5 minutes.

When I finally do move, the thought of getting in the shower, brushing my teeth, drying and straightening my hair, putting on a face of make-up and then stepping outside is exhausting.

I get ready at a snail’s pace, finding any excuse to just sit, or when there is no excuse because I’m running late, I just sit anyway. The straighteners weigh my arm down, I mess up the streak of liquid eyeliner on my top eyelid, do I really have to brush my teeth? Any excuse not to face the world.

I didn’t want to write this blog post because ‘lazy’ is a trigger word for me. How lazy is it when I don’t even want to clean my teeth because that would mean 2 extra minutes of work? That’s lazy. And unhygienic. And it is not me.

That’s why I’m writing this post, because when I’m not depressed, I’m a little obsessive about cleaning my teeth at least twice a day, and after every binge, even if I just feel like it. I’ll scrub, floss, feel the burn of the mouthwash. I won’t step out the door without mints so I can keep the freshness as fresh as possible. That is me.

I am not depression, just like I am not my Eating Disorder. I am lazy when I’m depressed, yes, but I work hard to pull myself out of depression. And I binge (although I haven’t for months now) but I am going to therapy and working on not bingeing.

So if someone makes a snap judgement about me, that I’m lazy or I eat too much, then that’s ok. I am, and I do, sometimes, but that’s not all I am.

I am a superhero.

Oh, you didn’t know?

Hayley Emma.

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I’m back!

This past break from blogging has been fantastic. I haven’t worried about writing good posts for my blog instead of fillers, and I’ve been able to concentrate on some pressing family matters, as well as …

Dun dun dun…

Filming.

I can’t tell you much about filming for several reasons but will tell you more as soon as possible. What I can say is that I took part in a documentary and it was related to Eating Disorders.

It was a big decision to talk to people other than my family, friends and therapist about my Eating Disorder and how I feel about my body, but after seeking advice and considering it for a while I decided: I’m passionate about this. I want to raise awareness for binge-eating and the lesser known Eating Disorders and blogging is a way of doing that, but being in a documentary is another way. People shouldn’t have to suffer without knowing what they’re suffering from. Knowledge doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but knowing that you’re not alone really does help.

I wasted years trying to diet my way out of my disorder, when if Binge Eating Disorder and EDNOS would have been discussed on television or in magazines I would have been able to seek help sooner.

I’m sure I did the right thing, I feel confident (sort of) that I said what I wanted. I was clear on what I wouldn’t disclose, such as my weight, and the producer was very understanding.

I’m ready for negative backlash, there’s bound to be some people who try to convince me I’m fat and lazy and using my Eating Disorder as an excuse. I’ve reached a point now where, pardon my French – I don’t give a fuck.

I know there will be people who can relate to weight difficulties and yo-yo dieting, and since Binge Eating Disorder is the most common eating disorder, there’ll be people who can relate to that as well. And those are the people I want to reach, and if I can help raise awareness for binge-eating and compulsive overeating as well then that’s great.

What do you guys think? As someone who prefers not to leave the house because I’m embarrassed of my body, am I crazy to take part in a documentary?!

Hayley Emma

(Oh, and since I’m using my real name (Emma is my second name) I’m signing myself off from now on as Hayley Emma.)

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Dear Pals,

I’m going to take a short break from blogging. And don’t worry, I don’t mean ‘short’ like “I’ll be back in 6 months LOL JK I won’t be back” I mean my next post will be Monday. I know I get concerned when an Eating Disorder blog goes quiet for a couple of days or weeks so just letting you know – I’m fine, but there are a few other things going on that I need to focus on.

After trying to write some boring, irrelevant posts these past couple of days and not wanting to write fillers for this blog, I figured I might as well just come back next week when I can write something worthwhile.

Take care.

Emma.

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Fun Friday 🙂

Have I got a cracker for you.

I just found a brilliant sit called Eating Disorder Life Problems and like ED Treatment Problems and Eating Disorder memes… it’s brilliant! My favourite:

What it’s like to have an eating disorder.

 

This one is for Fiona:

What starting recovery feels like.

This one is for Greta (it involves a cat):

How I think people watch me eat in public.

This is for Missy, because you handle situations so well!:

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”.

This one is for Rabbit Hearted Jo, just because I thought it might make you laugh:

In treatment, that one creepy patient.

And this one … is for Fiona again:

How I feel, every second of every day.

What do you guys think of Eating Disorder memes and gifs and generally having a laugh at EDs expense?

You’re welcome.

Emma

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I thought I’d keep this post short and sweet with a little bit of corny thrown in.

 

This.

Life has bitten me on the ass, with my Eating Disorder, financial struggles, unemployment struggles. And last year my life was slapping me around a bit.

For the past couple of weeks though, I feel like I slapped Megan in the face. And by Megan, I mean life.

It’s not breezy, it’s difficult and several times a day I feel like there’s no point in fighting back.

And life hasn’t hit me as hard as some.

The important thing is I’m fighting back now, a lot harder than just a couple of weeks ago.

I am ready for the difficult times ahead, because anything is better than staying where I’ve been for the past 10 years.

Who’s willing to join in with the fisticuffs?

Seriously guys, I’m gonna need some back up.

Emma

P.s. I love Megan. And who wouldn’t take 9 puppies?!

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