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Archive for May, 2012

I said to my therapist that normally when I’m in control as I feel now I’m usually on a diet. 3 meals a day, no snacks – not even fruit – or LighterLife, weight watchers, slimming world, atkins… the list goes on and on.  I feel this time is different, but I still feel I’m waiting for the diet to commence. Instead I’m trying to focus on maintaining my efforts and making small changes that will aid weight loss… it’s all new territory to me though.

Whilst searching for some weight loss quotes to help me keep my focus, I was disappointed at how many of them seemed to be unforgiving and angry. I get it, exercise is hard and not eating what you want is difficult, and as a binge-eater I fully admit that losing a substantial amount of weight is one of the hardest things you can do. Flashback to me and a friend carrying our shopping home, usually a 20 minute walk in the summer. She turns round to me and says “come on!”

I look down at my shopping bags, the occasional hidden food that I know I’ll binge/overeat on later, and look back to her. It’s a hot summers day, I’m wearing jeans and a long-sleeved cardigan because I am too embarrassed to show my arms and legs, I’m carrying food that I know is going to make me feel worse and I’m carrying at least 6 more stone than her. It doesn’t help that I’m bitter of her naturally slim frame that she doesn’t lift a finger for, but the “come on!” certainly doesn’t encourage me.

I feel like weight loss quotes are a little like this. They mean well, and they’re trying to move you forward, but they are unhelpful. They don’t make me feel good, or like I want to get on the treadmill to become healthy, they make me feel like I failed for being overweight and I should be shouted at until I lose it all.

I’ve chosen: I don’t like your tone.

Oh, so when I was bingeing, did that make me a bitch?

You had me up until ‘move’.

It’s the tone I don’t like, as if I need someone treading on my heels every step of the way to keep me going, otherwise I’ll just fall on the sofa and stuff my face. And maybe that’s the point, these weight loss quotes seem to supply bursts of enthusiasm or, dare I say it, self-disgust. They are there for you to lose weight fast and now, whereas I want to lose weight and keep it off forever. Running on angry isn’t going to work long-term – I don’t want to be angry with myself for the rest of my life.

Not all weight loss quotes are annoying though, like these.

It’s acknowledging that it’s easier not to work hard, but it’s also making me laugh. A little humour goes a long way in my books.

Ok so points taken off for being from ‘teach me how to skinny’ but it is acknowledging that your body is linked with the mind, and therefore provides evidence of the tough times as well as the good times.

Thank God for that, at least if I fall at the first hurdle I’ve got more options. And I get to stay cool.

Good advice.

I like these quotes because they acknowledge that weight loss isn’t a steady decline. Sometimes you do everything right and don’t reap the rewards, sure there’s a science behind weight loss but when I was on 500 calories a day on LighterLife I still managed to put on a pound or stay the same when I should have been losing. Sometimes your body can be a tad unpredictable.

Instead of punishing yourself over having the extra piece of chocolate or not getting on the treadmill once, surely it’s better to acknowledge the blip, implement ways of not falling down that hole again and keep on keeping on? I know I’ve felt a lot better being practical and kinder to myself than hating myself over every work out I haven’t done and every chocolate bar I’ve had.

What do you think? Do these quotes work for you? I feel a debate coming on.

Emma

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Lately I’ve been avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.

As well as avoiding this blog and my therapy tasks I’ve been avoiding people and going out. I know, so sad. I’ve been watching True Blood from start to finish, that’s 4 series. I feel like I know Eric, which is why I’m glad that I’ve finally realised what I was doing.

I went to therapy last week and was late yet again. I couldn’t be bothered with it, and I was disrespectful both to my therapist and myself by a) being late again, for probably the 4th time in a row and b) for not putting any effort in.

I didn’t want to be there and I said this to her, but at the time I didn’t know why. Therapy has meant so much to me, I was waiting for it for months and yet I wanted to stop. Some things are too much to take and I’ve been overwhelmed by the problems that I need to sort, the work I’ve got to do, the amount of problems that have arisen as well as the odd emotions that have been popping up and, the main reason I feel so overwhelmed; I have 8 stone to lose.

My goal weight is a healthy one and I would not lie about this. My goal isn’t to get skinny now, it’s to get healthy in the long run. I could slim down now; I’m like, a crash diet guru. I could go on LighterLife once more and lose the weight, sure, but I’d put it all back on again. I’ve done Atkins, I could cut out carbs and lose half a stone in a week or just not eat anything outside of 3 meals a day, all of which I’ve done in the past. My issues are still in me and I instinctively know that in order to move forward out of control of the ED I need to deal with them.

I’ve lost some weight – I don’t know how much because if I get on the scales and it turns out I weigh more than I expected I’ll be devastated – but I can feel that I’ve lost some. I’ve been eating better than I’ve done in years. I haven’t had chocolate in a couple of days, mainly because when ever I get the familiar overeating craving I have fruit. Or a drink, or gum or I distract myself. I’ve not had the urge to binge yet, so we’ll see how that goes, but I feel stronger now.

I feel like my ED is in a cage, clawing to get out.

I’m aware that these last couple of blog posts have been about me me me so startin g from tomorrow Its coherent blog posts that have a point to them and non-avoidance.

Just to remind everyone of the super awesome survey that I’d really appreciate everyone doing, especially as it takes about 3 minutes and is awesome. It closes Saturday (2nd June) and I’ll publish the results Monday.

Cheers guys.

Emma

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Yeah so I missed Fun Friday but temporarily it shall be known as … Fun Sunday!

I wanted to show 2 videos and found that one of my favourite comedians, also from Bristol combined the 2 in this clip… OK I didn’t find this video, I watched Russell Howard’s Good News and got it from there, OK? He has shown us many gems and so I present to you Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Emma

🙂

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A couple of weeks ago my therapist asked me to bring in some pictures of me as a child. I find it very difficult to talk about my weight as a child and it always upsets me when I really think about it.

However in the comments for my last post buckwheatsrisk asked me about when I first started my obsession with my body and I realised this is a pivotal moment.

I was never skinny, but I didn’t become overweight until the later years of primary school. My mum is convinced genes do play a part in weight differences, as my brother weighed less than me when he was born and I gained weight as a child much quicker than him. His weight has never been as issue for him.

I was shapely and was almost as tall as the boys in my final year of primary school, and so I can understand why my friend at the time said what he did. We were talking in the classroom; it was year 3 I think, so we must have been around 8 years old. Let’s call him Bill. Bill and I sat next to each other most of the time when he said something along the lines of “You’re different.”

I couldn’t see the difference between him and me, apart from the fact that he was a boy, obviously.

“No I’m not.” I said.

“Yes, you are: you’re fat.”

I remember looking down at my royal blue primary school jumper as if for the first time, the fact that I was fat slowly dawning on me. I felt embarrassed, not only because I was fat but because I didn’t know it and everyone else did. I was stupid, completely oblivious to such an obvious flaw.

I can remember the shame because I feel it every time I look at myself in a mirror or step outside the house. The need to be ‘normal’, to be a normal weight was overwhelming. It stayed with me, and it’s still with me now. If I wasn’t slim, then I wasn’t normal. I’m wondering whether the weight I did put on, maybe through overeating and bingeing, I don’t know, might have been puppy fat. I knew plenty of boys and girls who all suddenly, without changing their diet or exercise habits, lost weight in the early years of secondary school. After all, I was never obese at that age.

I wonder how I gained weight, because my diet didn’t change. I ate more or less the same as my brother who was skinny as a child and still has never had any weight issues. The thought of actually researching this and coming up with concrete answers makes me want to bury my head in the sand. I don’t think it’s going to help me get over my problems, so for now I’m leaving it as a mystery. The main thing to note is that I was overeating in secret past the age of 8, and so weight gain was inevitable.

What do you think; do genetics play a part in body type? What about Eating Disorders? Can you remember when your weight or eating problems started?

Emma

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This weekend has been a fail weekend.

I was happy and mostly healthy on Monday and Tuesday of last week, but I didn’t get on the treadmill or do any extra exercise for the last half of the week. That’s not so say I wasn’t out and about, I was busy and didn’t have the energy to exercise.

In my mind, I had failed, and so spent Saturday and most of Sunday staying in bed, wishing that I had a mountain of chocolate.

Yesterday was my Nanny’s birthday. She turned 88 and as I tweeted, she is still foxy. She lives a 5 minute drive away and has been there throughout mine and my brother’s childhoods. My real Grandad died before I was born and my Nan re-married. She is the glue that holds our entire family together.

Unfortunately we noticed a change in her over a couple of years. She stopped being able to cope with stressful situations and her arthritis meant she couldn’t walk far or do anything such as cleaning and cooking. My Nan is one stubborn lady and she wouldn’t accept that she couldn’t do these things anymore.

She fought her arthritis for years, continuing to walk even though it was difficult and doing morning exercises to increase her mobility. We figured that as long as my step Grandad, who is 10 years younger, was there to care for her, they’d be ok.

Last year my Nan took a tumble and because she didn’t want to go to the hospital my Grandad didn’t call an ambulance. The next day he finally gave in and called my Auntie – not my Dad, who was 5 minutes down the road, but my Auntie, who lives on the other side of Bristol.

We knew something was really wrong, and to cut a long story short, we found out both my Nan and Grandad have Alzheimer’s. Her condition is unpredictable, sometimes she can remember her first husband, sometimes she can’t. She’s forgotten that her brother died a few years ago. She’s forgotten my name a couple of times and gotten me confused with my cousin.

Yesterday my Nan and Grandad came over for dinner and a cake. We sung happy birthday to her and she really enjoyed herself, but a part of me didn’t want her to come round.

I want her to see me slim. I don’t want her to see me fat and unhappy and in the same place she’s seen me for years. She doesn’t know that I have an ED and she doesn’t know about my depression. We knew that she wouldn’t really take it in, and we also didn’t want to worry her about it, so she thinks I’m just fat. She’s never said anything about my weight to me, but I know she’s been worried about it in the past. I want her to be proud of me.

I know she loves me and is proud of me for who I am because she’s my Nan and I’m her granddaughter, but I want her to see me slim, and happy and healthy, and I’m afraid she’ll forget me before I get there. Or worse.

I understand how this has affected my eating, and now her birthday is over, I’m going to continue to see today as a clean slate.

I thought I’d share this, to show how Eating Disorders can affect every aspect of a person’s life, as does Alzheimer’s. And also because I wanted to write about how foxy my Nan is.

Emma

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There’s something you should know about me…..

I’m nosy.

I wrote Why Do We Blog? A while ago and after so many insightful comments I know that I blog for community and to raise awareness of EDNOS, compulsive overeating and binge-eating disorder. I like to explore information on body image, Eating Disorders, health and plus size fashion, and I write for me.

But I have an audience now, a substantial audience who I appreciate so much, and I can’t forget that the reason I started blogging was mostly the blogging community. It has helped me so much and so I’m combining my nosiness with my curiosity to see how you, readers of this blog, can relate to different aspects of this blog.

For example, I like plus size fashion, I really do, but lately I haven’t been inspired to write about it. There have been a lot of Eating Disorder specific posts lately and so I wonder how people with different Eating Disorders relate to this blog. Have any of you guys suffered from depression? Anxiety? Or are you predominantly plus size people wanting to accept your bodies? Maybe you suffer with a different type of mental illness, I don’t know. I want to know about you. So I created a survey.

It’s completely anonymous – I won’t know who’s done the survey or anything. It’s my first survey and so it’s probably got a couple of things wrong with it, but if you wouldn’t mind spending approximately 3 minutes on it then I’d really appreciate it. It ends on 2nd June at 8pm UK time and I’ll publish the results on one of the following couple of days.

It’s just for fun really and I like question 10.

You’ve got 2 weeks to do it and don’t worry, I’ll remind you.

Emma

🙂

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Fun Friday!! And for fun friday I have found the most cringe-worthy, uncomfortable video ever. It was posted on a friend’s facebook and I am ashamed to say I missed this viral video.

The video shows a 14 year old topless boy recording a message for his girlfriend. Why he didn’t just give her a call I don’t know, but it was posted 4 months ago and has almost 5 million hits.

Now, take a moment to recover. It was cringy, I know, and I apologise for this. But the best part is the psychopath version. It’s not a song, don’t worry, but it is spot on what I was envisioning as I watched the original.

I’d love to know what you guys think. Do you hate me now? Or are you thankful for this gem?

Fun friday just got creepy.

Emma

🙂

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