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Archive for April, 2012

I’m struggling for inspiration. I had lots on Friday and then didn’t do anything with it… and now I’m back to nothing.

I had a lazy weekend. And do you know what? I don’t want to report on what an unproductive weekend I’ve had and what I’ve just eaten. I am ashamed of myself. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I was going to push myself to go to the gym. After all, I joined the gym the day I weighed myself and sunk into this ongoing depression so… how hard could it be, right?

I mean, fuck ‘em. Fuck everyone else, I want to lose weight, get healthier. I like exercise and I want to go to the gym and feel like I’m one step closer to climbing out of this pit I’ve gotten myself into. If I see someone I know, at least it’ll be red-faced and sweaty rather than laying on the sofa picking food out of my teeth.

I have this fighting attitude and then after about 10 minutes of being all challenging and grrr-ey I suddenly realise that I would be walking into a room full of fit people and machines. The pressure to do well and not sweat and not look like I’m about to collapse makes the knot in my stomach tighten and my chest feel heavy. I feel a wave of heat rush to face at the thought of the gym at the same time my heart tries to beat its way out of my chest.

I think of walking in and not knowing what to do. I think of having to ask a member of staff to show me how to use the machines. I think of them scanning my card and knowing that I joined 6 weeks ago and haven’t been since. I think of guys running on the treadmill and girls in crop tops and leggings, this is their territory not mine. I think of whether my sports bra is visible through my long-sleeved top and whether I’d be brave enough to wear a t-shirt. I think about how low my top is and whether if I go on the rowing machine it’ll ride up.

My mum mentions zumba which I keep talking about and I start to panic. I’d have to book the class, the staff member wondering whether I’ll be able to keep up and what if I can’t and have to sit down or something?

I remember the time I was doing a workout video in PE and the teacher thought I was overdoing it because my face was so red. She looked at me like I was being stupid rather than strong for carrying on and then wrote that I should watch my weight on my end of year report. I was watching my weight. I’m always watching my weight.

But this time I don’t seem to be able to stop it rising. Crash diets are what I’m good at and I can’t do those anymore. Lighterlife proved that. So now I’m just watching it and not doing anything about it.

After I wrote this post of depressiveness (real word…in my head) I didn’t want to post it. I like to write stuff that is going to mean something, have some kind of reason, I don’t like to moan (I know I do it, shut up). So I stopped and went to the gym.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I’ve been terrified of the gym and finally convinced my Dad to come with me and I went! I didn’t stay for long, only about 25 minutes and I went on the cross trainer and bike (which I once called ‘cycling machine’) and so I am now officially a superstar athlete.

Kaplow!

Emma

🙂

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It’s funny that the one day in a fortnight I feel like actually writing something is the one day a week that is known as FUN FRIDAY. Fun Friday is a tradition I’d like to keep and so for that I will just have to stock up on posts.

Since most of my views are from the United States, here’s 2 British guys discovering Walmart for the first time. For someone who’s never been to Walmart, this was fun, and for some people who probably shop at Walmart all the time… this is probably fun too.

If you haven’t seen any of Alex Day’s videos then definitely check out ‘Alex reads Twilight’ – it’s brilliant.

Emma

🙂

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Last year I wrote a post called Can’t Sleep, Am Fat and whenever I can’t sleep, fat is usually the reason.

I haven’t blogged in a week and I tried today to write anything and I couldn’t. I have nothing constructive to say, I don’t want to discuss what is going on in therapy and at the moment I feel that I’m just existing.

Last night I went on a date (oh dear lord I hope he doesn’t find this blog) and I spent the whole day convinced it would be horrendous but decided to pamper myself, I suppose to brace myself for the inevitable date fail.

It actually went well, and I was left with this feeling of disbelief and happiness that I haven’t felt since I finally found a song I’d heard on every documentary and hadn’t been able to find (Ludovico Einaudi – Nightbook. I’ll link it at the bottom so you can have some thought-provoking background music when commenting). The happiness was fleeting and I’ve gone back to just being.

My counsellor described my sudden heightened anxiety and depression by explaining: “Something has shifted.”

I thought “Well, can we shift it back, please?” Because I’m not coping. Jobseeking is stressing me out, I burst into tears right before going over a friend’s house and I can’t sleep more that I can sleep… if that makes sense.

Lovely blog friends and readers, please tell me I’m not alone.

Emma

🙂

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So I’ve kind of taken a break from blogging and will be returning on Monday morning. However it is still Fun Friday and today I present to you Jenna Marbles. If you’re not a youtube nerd you might not know her but she’s responsible for such gems as How To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good Looking (which has almost 40 million views) and How To Avoid Talking To People You Don’t Want To Talk To.

This video is hilarius and helpful.

You’re welcome.

Emma

🙂

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Fun Friday!

Hipsters are universal, and so I bring you this special video which has over 8 million views on youtube.

You’re welcome.

Emma

🙂

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Alright, I’m going to admit something that I never usually admit.

I’m actually kind of … scared.

I had an attack of the heebie jeebies last night, something that’s been happening more frequently. I couldn’t sleep either and all in all managed 4 hours of half-asleep-enough-to-stay-in bed but -awake-enough-to-jump-out-of-my-skin-when-the-cat-decides-to-jump-on-my-pillow.

Not the best start. I also overate a lot yesterday and so had a stomach ache and along with the panic attack thought I would have food poisoning and die.

In therapy we’ve been covering some sensitive issues. I thought we might have gotten to the bottom of it during the last session but apparently we’ve just scratched the surface. There goes my wishful thinking.

The awkwardness that comes with dealing with issues is crying in front of someone whilst they wait patiently for you to stop crying. The natural response is to try to stop and I manage to do this successfully, but my therapist – who is truly brilliant, by the way – tells me to ‘sit with it’.

I’ve cried uncontrollably, sure. In the usual circumstances and frequently before I started antidepressants, but I’ve never cried fully in front of someone who isn’t my mum or a friend who was unfortunate to be at the wrong bar at the wrong time. I was depressed but didn’t really acknowledge it and ended up crying outside of the bar, in the taxi queue, in the taxi, in the kitchen (some toast to cure the drunkenness) and all the way through Dodgeball. I mean the film Dodgeball, we didn’t just randomly start throwing balls at each other.

The point is that these moments of despair are best kept private, in my opinion (says the girl who has an ED blog) and I don’t ‘just sit with it’ unless I have no option but to ‘sit with it’.

She explained that she felt like I was pushing it down, holding the tears back. She asked me why and I replied “Because if I let myself cry, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”

Every time she tells me to ‘sit with it’ I can’t stop myself crying. I didn’t know how hard it would be to just experience the sadness and let myself react to it. It’s horrible, like nothing will help; you’ll just sink deeper and deeper into a pool of depression and never re-surface.

And then I realised … this is why I binge. I don’t want to feel that emotion. Especially because I don’t know why I’ve got this sadness about me. I’m usually happy and smiling but behind closed doors I’m an emotional wreck. And I think that’s how I’ve managed to keep a façade for so long. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a ray of sunshine, I don’t walk around with a smile plastered to my face, but I don’t walk into a coffee shop about to tell everyone who’ll listen about my feud with the biscuit tin.

I suppose in order to stop bingeing and overeating compulsively I’m going to have to do a lot of ‘sitting with it’. Which is going to be tough, but I guess that’s why I need to sort out my issues; so every time I ‘sit with it’ it’ll get easier.

Do you sit with your emotion?

Emma

🙂

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Maybe this is because I’ve been educating myself with plus size fashion, blogs and models… but this model looks good to me, does she look good to you?

To me, Tara Lynn appears to be a healthy, gorgeous young girl (you might remember her from Spot The Body Shape: Pear). I seriously can’t believe I’m looking at this girl and thinking if I had her body I’d be happy with it. This body is attainable. I will never be skinny, as I’ve said before, it’s not my shape, my pear thighs won’t allow it. So on accepting the impossibility of skinny, I’m thinking healthy curvy is a beautiful alternative.

Would you be happy with her body? And before you make your mind up… look at her in this picture.

I’m going to ask you to keep your comments as clean as possible. It’ll be difficult, but I must protect my readers eyes.  And my own. A simple ‘I would totally do her’ will suffice, thanks.

Emma

🙂

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