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Archive for March, 2012

So I realised this morning that First Fun Friday was actually posted on Thursday. Fail.

All week I thought we were a day ahead and I’m not surprised I accidentally posted Fridays post on a Thursday, but I am surprised that it took me a good 14 hours to twig. Oh dear.

I am going to blame my disastrous job interview which I’m still mortified by but I’m hoping that telling the story will help me vent and also make you laugh. Because it’s one of those classic whatever could have gone wrong went wrong stories.

I was going to catch the bus and then managed to miss it because, well, I was getting fussy about my make-up, so my Dad drove me. After assuring him it shouldn’t be a long interview we set off on what is usually a 20-30 minute journey with over an hour until the start of my interview. Then I realised my sat nav had pompously decided that the destination I’d typed in was not satisfactory and so it sent us in the wrong direction.

I luckily (HA! LUCK, WHAT IS THAT?) typed in the right destination and it only deterred us about 5 minutes. That would have been fine, if there wasn’t a lorry blocking part of the road, road works and broken traffic lights. It took us 45 minutes to crawl 3 miles along the road – if I walked I’d definitely miss my interview and if I stayed in the car I might make it.

I didn’t. I googled the number of the place I was interviewing for and explained that I was stuck in traffic, could they put me through to blah blah. They tried, and they failed as well: they put me through to somewhere in Scotland. I was a tad miffed.

Just to give you an impression of how anxious I was on the 3 mile stretch – my hands were shaking as I fidgeted with the sat nav and call the wrong number.

We finally arrived outside 15 minutes late, and when I got inside I was stuck waiting around for 5 minutes for people to figure out where I had to g. By that point I was all hot and embarrassed and stressed out and worried whether the interviewer would agree to see me and if not would the jobcentre stop my jobseekers allowance?!

They agreed to see me but as soon as they explained they didn’t have time to interview me I did what any insane, unemployed person would do. I cried.

When I told my Mum she said “well… that’s something I’ve never done before.” That’s because people don’t usually cry at a part time retail job interview swhen they have a degree. Seriously, I bet he thinks the most tragic thing to ever happen to me is stub my toe on a coffee table or leave a cake in the oven too long.

But being unemployed is a different ball game, especially when you’re claiming jobseekers allowance. You’re not only trying to find a job for yourself to earn a proper wage and move forward with your life, you’ve got to jump through the hoops that the jobcentre throw at you. They’re making sure you’re not scrounging money off the goverment which is fair enough but sometimes they feel like the enemy, especially when if the interviewer wouldn’t have seen me because of my lateness, they would stop my claim. Which means I’d lose at least £100 which means a hell of a lot to the unemployed. So with all this running through my head, I kind of broke down.

I think, as well as being insanely embarrassing, it kind of worked in my favour as he did give me a 10 minute interview and then said if there’s a cancellation next week he’ll interview me properly.

However, they’re interviewing 150 people so… I’m not exactly going to be their first choice.

P.s. I got the picture from here and there are some funny interview stories that are definitely making me feel better, check it out if you’ve been traumatised by your own actions.

Emma

🙂

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Today marks my 1 year blogging anniversary! Congratulations to myself even though my first post was atrocious and I still can’t believe I haven’t re-written it or deleted it. By the way if you do go take a look at it which I don’t advise primarily because its boring and full of first post awkwardness, you’ll notice it’s uncategorised without a single tag. I don’t quite know how I expected people to find it. Magic, I guess?

I’m going to keep this short and sweet and say thank you for all of you lovely subscribers, and when I have some Kopparberg mixed fruit cider tomorrow evening (it’s delicious) I will do an awkward ‘cheers!’ to you guys. OK? Great. Today is also going to mark my BEST EVER NEW FEATURE that is … Fun Friday! Yeah I know, the name is pants. I don’t even know what Fun Friday is going to be about but I suppose it’ll be a mish mash of all things fun and … on a Friday. Friday can be this blog’s official non-Eating Disorder day. So here’s Kristin Bell getting emotional about sloths.

Emma

🙂

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Yesterday I went toLondon. I was meeting up with SLiNK magazine to see what I could do in terms of writing and it was a successful! Do check out their site and buy a copy if you’re interested in plus size fashion!

I wish I could say the day was a complete success but unfortunately I had a lot of anxiety, ironically after the meeting. For those of you who don’t know much about Bristol, it’s the 8h biggest city in the UK, so it’s not huge but it’s a sizeable city. We’re the home of Banksy, Aardman animation and Cary Grant. They also filmed Being Human series 1 and 2 here as well as Skins. There’s a fair bit going on so I was like pppffftttt! London will be a piece of cake. There was just the small inconvenience of the fact that I don’t like people seeing my body and tend to get social anxiety.

And my God, Londonis busy. 2pm on a Tuesday was busy, at 5pm the streams of people heading to the underground was ridiculous. It was a short notice trip so me and my Mum didn’t prepare much and we had no idea where we were going. We walked around Oxford street

Carnaby street

and Piccadilly Circus

So we saw some of the places we wanted. The satellite navigation app on my phone helped a lot as well as the maps dotted around.

I didn’t take any pictures because I forgot my camera but I’m hoping to go there again within the next couple of months so I’ll get some photos for you, not that you can’t google London and get a whole load of pictures. But still, they may have my face in them. Don’t pretend you don’t want to see my face.

Emma

🙂

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It was 1.15pm and I’d been having the worst day. I’d felt under pressure to:

  • Go in town and hand round my CV
  • Apply for jobs online
  • Finish my super amazing blog post which now looks like a jumble of letters
  • Write down my food today for the first time in years – yes, years – without being too obsessive
  • Write down my anxiety as I try to ignore the compulsion to eat
  • Wash and dry my gym clothes
  • Go to the gym
  • Do yogalates
  • Edit a short story for a competition
  • Find out if my Mum has the day off work to visit London tomorrow
  • Prepare for job interview later in the week
  • Finish decorating my room
  • Do my therapy homework

I feel under pressure because I want to do all of these things, but I also want to curl up in bed and not look in the mirror for an eternity. I’m not wanting to go to the gym to feel good and get fitter, I’m wanting to go because I’m huge and horrible. I’m not wanting to write a super amazing blog post because I’m afraid it’ll be awful and it turns out I’m a horrible writer and soon my followers will realise this and leave. I’m not wanting to edit a short story for a competition because I won’t be published in the book of short stories anyway, why bother? And what if all the jobs I apply for are again going to not reply and I will still be unemployed when I’m 45?

So, as you can see, I’m not feeling too optimistic today.

However, then the postman came to deliver some mail. And laid a colourful parcel for ‘Hayley Emma’. That’s me you guys! I was beaming before I’d opened it because I saw ‘first class mail international’ stamped on the front as well as a $ sign. I then saw the wonderful name ‘Nicole Marie Story’.

I skipped into the living room and opened the envelope. Inside was a smaller envelope – oh, the mystery!– and a KIND bar. KIND bars aren’t sold in the UK (not that I know of) and I’ve always wanted to try them as Nicole seems to love them, so I’m over the moon. It was peanut and strawberry and it was delicious! I’m surprised and delighted and I am now a fan of KIND bars.

Inside the smaller envelope was a beautiful Kate Spade card, if I hadn’t already known it was from Nicole, the Kate Spade design would have given it away. The words scrawled elegantly along the card mean so much to me that I cannot share them on here. I want to keep them to myself and know that despite our different opinions, different lifestyles, different disorders and different countries, we will always have a meaningful connection.

Thank you, Nicole, to others it may seem like a card and a bar, but to me it is proof that someone believes that I can overcome this Eating Disorder.

Emma

🙂

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Every Sunday I go to Postsecret and read all the secrets sent in by postcards and I always without fail look for this picture. Sometimes it’s on there, sometimes it isn’t. Doesn’t she look like the sweetest person? Even though I focus on her weight, I cannot judge her or think differently of her. My bitchy, body obsessed side can’t even come up with something. I think it’s her eyes.

Do you have any exceptions to your disordered/non-disordered body judgements?

Emma

🙂

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I’m going to save my incredible intellectual psychological biological post of amazingness for tomorrow because, well, I haven’t finished it yet. And also because now I’ve bigged it up it will fail expectations. Sorry about that.

Yesterday (I’m writing this athalf past midnight) I felt like I was re-building my life. I’ve never felt like that before because I’ve never been so hopeful. This is good! In therapy we’ve been discussing some really deep, meaningful, tear-jerking stuff and although I dread it, I feel better for it as well, like I’m getting to the crux of my issues.

As much as I feel like I’m moving forward though I have been irritable and moody most of the day. I snapped at my Dad when he wouldn’t go to the shops to get my chocolate and I didn’t want to do it myself because that would require me changing into jeans, putting make up on, doing my hair and walking self-consciously to the shops and then buying the food under the inscrutable eye of the shop assistant. All I wanted to do yesterday was paint my room. What’s worse is I know it’s unhealthy and now I’m going to the gym I feel more enthusiasm to really try to ignore the urge to eat.

But then I turn into a bitch. I snap and I grumble and I wait for people to do things for me, and nag them until they do. I got some chocolate but it wasn’t what I wanted and it didn’t solve anything. I mean it never does in the long term, but this time even the short term effects – a fleeting anxiety-free couple of minutes or hours, depending on the binge. So I didn’t accomplish anything from eating the chocolate, I just felt worse for a) being horrible to my family who I love the most in the world and b) for doing something I want to stop doing.

Which makes me ask the infuriating question of why aren’t eating disorders logical? And the scarier question: if bingeing/eating doesn’t make me feel better, then what will? And what will I do with the anxiety/depression until I figure it out?!

And why am I writing a post at 12:43am after having watched a kids film with my parents when I’m the youngest person in the room, and I’m 22?!

Emma

🙂

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I’ve been super busy this week and was going to post a super intellectual piece of writing about genes and brains and stuff … but I haven’t finished it and I want to do a little more research. I’m such a brain box.

Instead I’m going to focus on some positive body imagery so that tomorrow morning when I brave the gym BY MYSELF I can think of women who have the confidence to strip off and be photographed and try to channel it. Their confidence. Try to channel their confidence… did I just call myself a brain box?!

If I were to turn slightly homosexual, it would definitely be for one of these women.

Emma

🙂

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