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Archive for December, 2011

I have to say something before I talk about myself and how amazing I am. I have to dedicate this post to thank Nicole, because if she hadn’t of put me on her fabulous blogroll and inspired me with her ex-bulimic tales, I probably wouldn’t have blogged as obsessively as I have done over the past month. Her blog has enabled me to read other blogs, other people’s stories of their own struggles, and it has helped me to feel part of a community, rather than all alone watching The Lion King over and over again in a dark room. OK I haven’t got to this stage yet but it’s only because when Mufasa dies, I die.

There wasn’t one reason in particular I started this blog, but the main reason was to find other people who have similar problems to me, the main being compulsive overeating. I haven’t ever talked about my disorder the way I blog about it, and I think other bloggers must feel the same, because we are so brutally honest.

So, the rules of the versatile blogger award:

1. Thank the award giver and link back to them in your post

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading

4. Contact your bloggers to let them know about the award

Thank you to …

Elizabeth http://thespiralupward.wordpress.com/

Fiona http://fiandshalimar.wordpress.com/

Sondra http://seesondraslim.wordpress.com/

I think these are the only people to pass on the award, because I sort of didn’t know what the blogger award was all about until … yesterday. So… thanks 🙂

7 things about myself…

  • I have a cat called Indy, she is black and fluffy and lovely 🙂 Sometimes when she smells things, especially feet, she’ll inexplicably open her mouth afterwards, as if the smell is that bad that she has to let her tiny nostrils recover by breathing through her mouth.

  • I cannot have a sensible title for blog posts/anything I write. I don’t know what it is about titles, but all of mine have to be odd. If I write a shopping list, it usually starts with ‘Emma’s Awesome List’ or to do list ‘Whatz I Gotz To Do’z Today’. I think this is an illness, but I’m not sure.
  • If I leave the house without a bottle of water, any kind of sweet containing mints, tissues and lip balm, I am not complete. I have an overactive bladder (whoop) so I am quite careful about how much I drink, hence the water bottle. I am paranoid that my breath is not minty fresh, hence the mints, I have a tendancy to get a runny nose randomly so I like tissues, and I hate the feeling of dried lips, so I have lip balm. I left the house without my phone the other day as well… I don’t even want to talk about that.
  • During my degree in the second year, about a month after I found out I had an Eating Disorder, I had to attend a module on autobiography and travel writing. As I am usually skint (poor, to you non-Englishians) I haven’t travelled a lot, so the other option was autobiographical, in which I wrote about The Girl On The Bus. I’ll probably post my piece someday next year, an edited and improved version of course.
  • I have never had a proper boyfriend, although I have no idea why, apart from events like this tend to happen to me. I am big, and there is no pretending that this doesn’t limit your choice of men. However, the lack of self-confidence and hating my body kind of affects how I act as well, and everyone knows confidence is sexy. I do not exude confidence. But I’m more confident that I used to be. Fingers crossed for some kind of interaction with a male in 2012.
  • I have a deep and meaningful relationship with The Lonely Island. Sort of. I love them, they don’t know who I am. I like it this way, therefore I can sing ‘Jizz in my Pants’ at the top of my lungs with no repercussions. I am too cheap to have a video portion on my blog but I will definitely be purchasing it in the near future, until then, here is a lovely link.
  • I get a variety of gifts for Christmas, almost always I love them. My mum who knows me better than anyone often gets me stuff that I can’t explain. Whenever my mum see’s anythin animal print she’ll say “oh that’s nice, isn’t it Emma?” to which I always reply “Yeah I’m not a big fan of animal print.” What did my mum get me for Christmas? Animal print hair curlers. Yep, she told me earlier as well that they were half price. Brilliant. No I’m only kidding, I’m grateful, and I tried them out earlier and they’re perfect. Best present award this year though clearly goes to my Brother Kyle who gave me a Tru Blood replica drink from True Blood! I love True Blood, although I haven’t watched any of the 3rd series as I was too busy with Uni. I can actually drink it too! But I won’t because it went out of date in November.

 

There you go, 7 random, completely pointless and not at all satisfying facts about me. Now to pass on the award! I don’t think I actually know 15 bloggers so I’ll put a list of some I think are brilliant.

Elizabeth http://thespiralupward.wordpress.com/

Fiona http://fiandshalimar.wordpress.com/

Sondra http://seesondraslim.wordpress.com/

Nicole www.nicoleandgwendolyn.com

Kirsty Lou www.fattyunbound.blogspot.com

Tracy http://www.fatgirlslim.org

Eves www.curvygirlrevolution.com

LT http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com

Kate http://thisisnotadiet-itsmylife.com

Insatiable Booksluts http://insatiablebooksluts.wordpress.com

Girl On The Contrary http://girlonthecontrary.com

Reasonably Ludicrous http://reasonablyludicrous.com

D.H. Schleicher http://theschleicherspin.com

An Attempt At Humour http://anattemptathumor.wordpress.com

Helena Handbasket http://ninhydrin.wordpress.com

Right. Done. Now to get drunk with the family. Happy New Year!

Emma

🙂

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During my first few session at the Eating Disorder place in Plymouth my therapist suggested I read a book called Not To Be Scoffed At: How To Overcome Eating Disorders by Anna-Marie Sapsted. I think it was because I was so fixated on getting back to a diet to control my eating, like I did on LighterLife. I read it within a weekend (it’s not that thick, don’t be too impressed) and I remember feeling like it was a breath of fresh air. Or fresh paper, does that make more sense?

I thought if I was going to review books on Eating Disorders I should start with the first one I read, but upon re-reading it, it wasn’t as fantastic as I first thought. It does the job – it explains Anorexia and Bulimia well, and explains the common problem of bingeing, which I hadn’t been aware of before. Sapsted also highlights the problems with dieting, something I had never considered before. She states that the dieting industry is worth over £1 billion, and it is purely based on women in particular feeling fat:

According to a survey by the Consumers’ Association in 1993 most of the thirteen brands of shakes, soups, biscuits and bars they tested were found to be expensive, high in fat and sugar, and could provide no evidence that they worked to help people sustain weight loss.

It gives interesting statistics of the dieting industry and media influence in our culture, and yet it downplays overeating disorders. The fact that it is written in 1995 lets it down – I mean, it wouldn’t have 10 years ago, but its 2011, ALMOST 2012 and things have changed. It’s very informative for victims of Anorexia and Bulimia, and relatives or friends, it’s also good for people who aren’t quite sure if they have a poor relationship with body image and food because they are not categorically Anorexic or Bulimic.

It also gives examples of real people’s relationship with food; how their problems started and how they came to the conclusion that they needed to do something about it. But re-reading it now, it doesn’t really give me anything to go on, but then I suppose I’m not a beginner. I also don’t agree that mere statistics will enable someone to overcome their Eating Disoder, and I don’t think reading this books will help that much either. It’s important to know about the disorder you have, but Eating Disorders go a hell of a lot deeper than that, and I don’t like that the second part of the title How To Overcome Eating Disoders conveys Sapsted knows a lot more psychology than she actually does. It’s well researched, but it’s not a solution. It wasn’t for me, anyway.

There was a quote that stood out to me though. Having just survived Christmas I thought it would be helpful to know that although we think we’re overacting, there’s always someone who goes one step further. Joanna Greenside, a 25 year old fitness instructor went missing days before Christmas and caused a major search for her…

Some 36 hours later, Joanna turned up outside the centre in Hertfordshire and claimed that she had been kidnapped and raped. She was in a dishevelled state, with mud on her clothes, and she appeared to be suffering from shock. 4 days after that, she finally broke down and confessed to police that she suffered from an eating disorder, couldn’t face the Christmas festivities, and had taken a train to Heathrow Airport where she wandered around the terminals, desperate to lose weight before the holiday eating and drinking began.

And I thought I overreacted by refusing to go to a meal out with some old college friends because the last time they saw me (3 years ago) I was a hell of a lot slimmer.

This is the great thing about the book, it goes where few books at the time would have gone, giving you personal accounts and real situations. This book is helpful for anyone seeking information about Eating Disorders and why the majority of women in particular aspire to lose weight and look better rather than be healthy. Although because it was written in 1995… it can’t be avoided – it’s out of date. I’m sure you could find a book just as informative but with modern statistics.

I give this book… 5/10 celery sticks.

It is well written and easy to read, so if you aren’t too fussed about up-to-date information then this would be good as a beginners guide to Eating Disorders. Just not overeating.

Emma

🙂

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…Many would like to believe that Eating Disorders are merely an expression of female vanity…

Princess Diana, Fashion Icon

Princess Diana rocked. I remember coming down the stairs to my Dad watching the footage of the car crash in Paris. He told me Princess Diana had died, and I was shocked, but being 7 I only knew that she was a good dresser. I’d been told by my mum that she was a unique royal; able to communicate with the public like no royal before her, actually going to third world countries and playing with the children. My mum valued this (like the rest of the world) most of all, but having a passion for fashion my mum also loved her dress sense. Princess Diana can’t be mentioned in my house without a “She always looks so sophisticated!”

But instead of her dress sense or the wonderful person she appeared to be, my focus on Diana is her battle with Bulimia. I’m re-reading a book Not To Be Scoffed At which I’ll be reviewing tomorrow, and in it there is a snippet of a speech she made in 1993 on Eating Disorders. Although Anorexia was ‘discovered’ over 100 years ago (so I’m told in the book, I don’t want to take credit for research I haven’t done) Bulimia was only classed as an Eating Disorder as recently as 1979. Diana confessed to having suffered with Bulimia and body image issues whilst being in the public eye and spoke about it at an international seminar on Eating Disorder awareness:

…Eating Disorders, whether it be Anorexia or Bulimia, show how an individual can turn the nourishment of the body into a painful attack on themselves and they have at their core a far deeper problem than mere vanity…

I Would Quite Like This Dress

I can’t believe a woman as beautiful and slim as Princess Diana felt the need to go to such drastic measures to be slim. In my head, the only people who are worthy to suffer from Eating Disorders are… well, just me really. In my head, I deserve to be fat and ugly, because that is the way I feel about myself, and my ED encourages that. I said to my previous counsellor that although I was so harsh and superficial to myself, I would never really feel that people in a similar situation to me – overweight and depressed –  deserve to feel the same. My counsellor pointed out to me “No of course not, because you’d never be that horrible to anyone else but yourself.” In my mind, beautiful people like Diana are exempt from Eating Disorders, because my irrational mind complains that they haven’t got a problem with their weight, so what’s the problem? Of course, I’m not about to start therapy because my ideals are perfectly rational. I suppose it’s difficult for me to think a woman who was praised for her fashion sense didn’t feel as beautiful as she looked. Diana was right; It’s not really about vanity.

Diana’s speech is very much like her; elegant, classy and understated. She outlines the problems in societies’ awareness of such disorders and the problems that are accentuated by the continuing pressure to ‘look good’. Somewhere along the line, ‘good’ became ‘thin’ and so I thought this speech would be interesting for fellow ED sufferers to read.

http://www.settelen.com/diana_eating_disorders.htm

Emma

🙂

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I had a goal for Christmas. It was a small goal, a bit of a pathetic one if you’re not familiar with odd eating behaviour, but it was a goal nonetheless, and I totally achieved it.

This Christmas my goal was to go to bed on Christmas day and not feel sick. When I had the 2 weeks binge around Christmas I felt sick at the end of almost every day. Last Christmas I went to bed feeling sick at least 3 nights over a 2 week period. Christmas is a time for overeating for the majority of people, and for me it’s the best excuse to get all of the food I avoid for the rest of the year.

Christmas day around 6pm is normally a time when I’m uncomfortably full, unable to stop eating roast potatoes or stuffing or gateau, alternating between sweet and savoury, sitting down to watch the Dr Who Christmas special with my Dad and feeling like someone needs to take the food away from me. I usually have no self-control at moments like those, when I need to stop eating because I feel ill, but I can’t stop.

I don’t like to big myself up but… this Christmas I was totally a superstar. I had Christmas dinner, cleared away what I left, had a nap because I hadn’t had a proper day off work for 3 weeks, and had a slice of gateao when I woke up. I then didn’t eat for a long while. Then, whilst watching Love Actually at around 10pm, I had a bit of stuffing and another slice of gateau. I wasn’t an angel by far, but for me, that’s a big deal. I went to bed feeling full, but not uncomfortably so, and most importantly I didn’t feel sick.

Like I said, a bit pathetic, but a small step in the right direction.

Emma

🙂

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I have finally compiled a blogroll! A list of my favourite/inspirational blogs that I would like to share with you. There are only 3 at the moment, because I need to discover new blogs/study blogs I know of but haven’t had time to divulge in…I think I’m a bit of a blog snob!

Curvy Girl Revolution

Curvy Girl Revolution is run by Eves and she fills her blog with inspirational photos of plus size, fabulous women. Whenever I’m feeling a tad fat and ugly I look at her site and see pictures of beautiful women, all of whom feel comfortable enough with their bodies to pose. Definitely positive body imagery!

Nicole and Gwendolyn

Nicole, an ex-bulimic and Gwendolyn, her dog whom helped her through some tough times! She suffered with bulimia for 11 years and now blogs about being binge/purge free, and she’s lovely. Completely inspirational and proof that life exists after eating disorders. Everyone who suffers from an eating disorder should read this blog.

The Floordrobe

Everyone needs a style blogs in their blogroll, and this is my favourite. It’s more about the fit of clothes, and here is a quote that I absolutely, wholeheartedly agree with and couldn’t have written better myself: ‘I firmly believe that the experience of not being able to fit into clothes is more detrimental to a persons self esteem than seeing images of a toned, tanned and skinny human being.’ Fantastic.

So there you go, check them out and I hope to be adding to this blogroll as I discover new blogs.

I hope you all had a lovely, festive, drunken Christmas! I didn’t get any chocolate, and this is a very good thing!

Emma

🙂

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It’s Christmas in just over 24 hours so I thought I’d say Merry Christmas to everyone, have a LOVELY day free of food and weight woes! As a present to you guys, here is a picture of me back in 2009, the Christmas when it snowed (obviously) and I found out I about my Eating Disorder. I has just been on Lighterlife and succeeded in losing 3 stone. Ah, those were the days. Apart from the fact that I was in the midst of a 2 week binge, but you’d never know, would you?

I refused to let this picture surface because I thought I was absolutely HUGE. Now I think I’d chop off my right arm to be that slim again. In fact, if I chopped off my arm, I probably still wouldn’t be 3 stone lighter than I am now… Ah well. Also, me and my brother built a snowman called Herbert. He has a leaf for a mouth. Don’t mock him.

2009, Back When I Was Slim...ish

Thank you to all who have subscribed to this blog and twitter, and I hope to write many, many post after Christmas and next year! Sorry in advance …

Emma

🙂

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Sporty, Ginger, Posh, Scary and Baby (Like You Didn't Already Know)

I was thinking about a blog post to write on the way to work and decided on a few ideas… but then something happened that I must tell you about. Initially you will think “…this isn’t related to Eating Disorders or diets…” But it is! Sort of. And that’s a good enough excuse for me!

So I was serving this woman with a really cute little girl on the till, and even though she never looked me straight in the face (she sort of had her head down quite a lot) I thought “she looks like Mel C from the Spice Girls.” Having been a HUGE Spice Girls fan when I was about 7 like most 7 year old girls around the world, I know Mel C’s face well. That sounds odd. You know what I mean.

And then she spoke in a liverpudlian accent and I thought “she sounds like Mel C as well… maybe it is her… no it can’t be her, she probably lives in London and gets her Christmas things from swanky designer shops.” So I carried on as normal, and I almost said “You look the spitting image of Mel C, did you know that?” But I thought she knows her own face, it could be a tad awkward. So I left it.

And then my supervisor spotted her and stood next to me, and like a true kiss-ass called “Merry Christmas!” after her. She then told me that Mel C does live nearBristoland does most of her shopping there. She used to work in the store near where she lives and they get her in there all the time.

All I can say is that I am so relieved I did not tell Mel C that she looks like Mel C. Especially because I wouldn’t have believed her if she said she was Mel C anyway. Phew!

Pregnant Tum, So Gorgeous

I also thought it would have been nice to have a talk with her, not because she’s a Spice Girl and will forever be my heroin, but because she was Sporty Spice, and she had bulimia. I read an article about her today, and she said being pregnant with her Daughter helped her deal with her Bulimia because it forced her to stop abusing her body. I think she looks beautiful, and I’m always interested in Eating Disorders and especially those who have strived and strived to overcome the problems they are faced with.

So there we have it, my claim to fame. Oh and if you were wondering, she bought some cards! I’ve got scoot now and mingle with some more celebs, ciao darlings!

Emma

🙂

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