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Archive for March, 2011

Hi, I’m Emma, and i have an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I’m not anorexic, bulimic or have binge eating disorder, but i do have binge episodes that have lasted weeks, and compulsively overeat often. I am overweight, and i hate everything about my body.  So what i’m trying to say is, it kinda sucks.

I’ve read a lot of Eating Disorder blogs, and although i totally sympathise with the writers, the sufferers of these diseases… i find rather than inspiring me to get on with my life and push through the shit that’s holding me back, the unhappiness in the writing translates into me. I don’t want this blog to be an opportunity to moan about my life, and i’m not saying that i won’t ever write a post in which i moan my ass off, but i want to write about the funny stuff, as well as the bad. Having an eating disorder isn’t like feeling better the minute you talk about your feelings; the best way i can explain it is like this:

So you get in a lift, and you’re on the bottom floor. You’re feeling helpless, you think you can’t get any lower, and so you’re waiting for the lift to arrive on your floor because, let’s face it, all you can do at the beginning is wait. And then “Doors Opening” the doors slide open and you can get in. It’s shiny and new, and the doors make a whooshing sound when they shut. “Doors closing” you’re through the first stage, which is finally admitting to yourself, and someone around you, that you’ve been bearing this burden for the better half of your life, and you cannot under any circumstances, deal with it anymore. You feel relief. I felt like it would all be better, because someone would help me. However, the lift has other ideas. You go up a level or two, a level or two that you’ve never seen before but have been clawing for your entire life. And then something happens, the doors open but you can’t get out, and the lift drifts down a floor. And this is where you stay, not wanting to get out. The lift carries on up but sometimes plummets further down than before, and you’re on the lowest floor possible. And i suppose this is what it’s like. It was for me, anyway, and it still is. I’ve been to one on one CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) Body Image Group Therapy and am currently in a Nutritional group for Binge Eaters.

My journey is continual, and i feel that it’ll carry on forever, although maybe not. And although i’ve had a shit day, and feel like the lift is hovering on a floor full of cakes and chocolate and sweets and all the stuff I love to hate, i’m going to try my best to make the lift rise up some more. I hope the things i write will help people with similar eating difficulties as myself to just know that there are other people out there feeling the same. I have yet to meet someone with the same problems as myself, and i know that if i could read a blog about the stuff that i cry about, along with the stuff that i laugh about, i’d be happy.

Emma

🙂

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